tonight i made nearly 2 gallons of peach jam, and almost a gallon of pear jam.

o god.

pictures to come.

planning on going to chicago for a while this summer and am trying to convince my parents to let me take my car. they told me they're thinking about it. then they told me if i were married that i could go.

what.

school is over and for the next two weeks i am dog sitting/ house sitting three dogs in a house in trinidad. living alone in arcata, alone in trinidad. it's bizarre. wake up from a bad dream in an unfamiliar place. try and make breakfast in a kitchen that is not yours. lots and lots of walks in the woods with a pack of dogs behind me. im dog/housesitting for a massage therapist. when she gets back i am promised a 2 hour plus massage. woah baby.

today at work, a lady yelled at me over the phone for more than half an hour. made me wanna throw up, made me wanna cry, made me all red and splotchy. she kept telling me things that i knew werent true and she was making me feel bad about them. came home to a gin and tonic and tater-tots with kale. not the best. waiting for phone calls from what seems like everyone.

on another note. did you know that you can take your bike cross country on a train for $260? round trip?

damn.

my yard is an explosion of forget-me-nots. they hide in the nooks and crannies and the shady places where it seems nothing else will grow. i have marigold starts in my window that i check every morning to see if any new seeds have sprouted. this is one of my favorite life activities. finding a sprouted seed is like getting a letter in the mail from a friend.
recent news has brought back a flood of emotions i thought i had locked away months ago. i woke up this morning at 6am from a bad dream with a headache and feeling nauseous. why cant i shake this?
planning a trip out to the midwest this summer. when and where is still to be determined but trust me its gunna happen.

all i wanna do is drink tea and make sundresses all day. have a clean kitchen and someone to cuddle with at night. ride bikes to the beach and eat a sandwich. sing and dance and eat blackberries all summer.

there are these birds outside my house who call to each other. they sound like miniature flying saucers or robots or something. it sounds sad and kinda creepy. i've never actually seen these birds. only heard them calling from separate trees. anyone have any clue what they are?

i dont feel normal very often these days. just kind of frantically spinning, grabbing at things that might offer some comfort, some feeling of the olden days. nothing seems right.

lazar tag is the best.

today i crashed my bike for the first time since elementary school. i was racing from work to the greenhouse and i hit a crack hard. my bike did a wobble and i flew off and landed on my hip so hard my shoes flew off. as i walked my bike home on my shoulder several people asked what happened and offered me rides home. sweet arcatans. my front tire looks melted. my hip hurts.

i feel crazy these days. getting away from arcata felt so good. coming back felt better. but that's always the way it is.

sometimes you have to cut off all your hair and make applesauce until two in the morning to keep the sad empty feelings away.